Nightlife
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: When Two-Face insists that Bruce Wayne joins him on an evening out partying just like old times, the playboy billionaire is forced to deal with Batman's greatest nemeses on their night off.
1. Chapter 1

**Nightlife**

"Leaving so soon, Bruce?"

Bruce Wayne turned and forced a smile at Veronica Vreeland. "Sorry, Ronnie. It's a great party, but I've got…other commitments tonight."

"What other commitments?" she murmured, cuddling against his arm. "You're always flitting off somewhere, Brucie. You need a good woman to keep you tied down."

"And I'm sure you're very good at that, but I really do have somewhere else to be," said Bruce, disentangling himself from her embrace. "Sorry, Ronnie."

"Oh Bruce, how am I ever supposed to get you to marry me if we never get to spend any time together?" sighed Veronica, huffily.

"I hear that's the key to the most successful marriages," said Bruce with a smile. "I'll see you later, Ronnie," he said, kissing her cheek.

She smiled. "If you weren't so terribly charming, Bruce, I think I might hate you," she sighed. "Off you go then, to your mysterious commitments. But I warn you, the mystery only deepens your attraction."

Bruce grinned at her and then left the building. The moment he was outside, his smile dropped as he strode toward his car. He opened the trunk and pulled out a briefcase containing the Batsuit, and then made his way over to a nearby phonebooth. He didn't like stealing Clark's style, he thought with a smile, but it was better than changing in his car.

All of the sudden, he was grabbed by two pairs of strong hands and dragged into the alley. Bruce struggled against them, and was just about to break their wrists in full Batman mode, when a familiar voice muttered, "Evening, Bruce."

Bruce looked up to see a coin shining in the moonlight as it was flipped in the air. It landed in the hand of a man still concealed in the shadows of the alley, who now stepped into the light. But he didn't need to – Bruce already knew who it was.

"Harvey?" he gasped. "What are you doing here?"

Two-Face nodded at the men to release him. "I wanted to see you again," he murmured. "I was thinking recently about some of the old times we used to have together. Bruce Wayne and Harvey Dent, painting the town red, shutting down all the clubs, staying out until dawn…you ever miss those days, Bruce?"

Bruce stared at him. "Well, I…I miss you, Harvey, of course," he murmured.

"Yeah. I don't suppose your life is much different now, really," murmured Two-Face, flipping his coin again. "But it's been a long time since I painted the town red with a friend. Which is why I asked my boys here to grab ya," he said, nodding at the henchmen. "I'm going out tonight, and I thought who better to come with me than my old pal Bruce Wayne? It'll be just like old times, buddy."

"Harvey, I'm…touched at the thought," said Bruce, slowly. "But you're a wanted felon…"

"You'll find a wanted felon gets a lotta respect in this town," growled Two-Face. "Especially from the dames," he added, grinning. "C'mon, Bruce. Do an old friend a favor. Let's go wild the way we used to."

Bruce studied him. As far as he could tell, Two-Face was being sincere. And at least if Bruce was chaperoning him, he could make sure he wasn't getting into any trouble. There were certainly worse ways to spend an evening. And maybe if he talked to Harvey, he could help him in some way. Maybe reliving the joys of the past like this would be just the thing to bring Harvey back.

He nodded slowly. "All right, Harvey. I'm in."

Two-Face grinned. "Aw, you're the greatest, Bruce!" he chuckled, clapping him on the shoulder. "Boys, beat it," he growled at the henchmen. "Sorry if they roughed you up," he said, dusting off Bruce's suit. "Whatcha got in the case?" he asked, nodding at the briefcase.

"Uh…just some contracts," muttered Bruce hastily. "Nothing interesting. I'll just drop 'em off at my car…"

They re-emerged onto the street and Bruce went over to his car, replacing the briefcase in the trunk. Two-Face looked around the empty street, and then checked his watch. "Late, as usual," he growled.

"Are we expecting somebody else?" asked Bruce, surprised.

"Yeah. Our ride," muttered Two-Face. "That's what I get for trusting that clown to organize transport…"

A limousine suddenly careened around the corner, and screeched to a halt in front of Two-Face. A terrified-looking chauffeur jumped out and bowed. "Mr…Mr…Two-Face, sir, Mr. Wayne. Please…climb in," he said, opening the passenger door.

"Y'know what they say, boys, if you gotta travel, why not travel in style!" laughed a familiar voice.

"Oh…my…God," stammered Bruce, as he stared into the limousine to see the smiling face of the Joker.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hi, Harvey! Hi, Brucie! Great seeing you both again!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, waving as they climbed inside the car. She was wrapped around Joker as if for dear life, clutching him in a choking embrace, which the Joker looked none too happy about.

"You brought the dame?" growled Two-Face.

"_You_ try prying her off me!" retorted Joker. "It's a hostage situation, Harv! She's a cruel dame too - I can't even reach my champagne!" he said, struggling to reach forward and grab his glass.

Harley picked it up and handed it to him, stroking his hair. "If you think I'm about to let my puddin' go out partying with a bunch of single women around, you got another think coming," she said. "I ain't jealous – I'm just cautious. Plus I know how irresistible he is," she cooed, kissing him tenderly.

"Sorry, Bruce, do you know Harley Quinn?" asked Two-Face, gesturing at them. "And the Joker?"

"Yeah…I think we've met," stammered Bruce.

"I think I've threatened to kill you once or twice," said Joker, nodding. "Kinda awkward now. It was nothing personal, Brucie, just business. But there'll be nothing like that tonight!" he said, beaming. "No business, just pleasure, so there'll be no need to go all homicidal! As long as everyone does what I say, of course."

He sipped from the glass Harley held to his lips. "Harley, why don't you let me off the leash and pour the boys some champagne? There's no single women in this car, after all, and last I checked, Harvey wasn't interested," he chuckled. "Can't speak for Bruce, of course, but I hear he prefers dames."

"You single now, Brucie, or are you still dating Selina Kyle?" asked Harley as she poured two more glasses. "Last she told me, she dumped you for the Bat, but you may have reconciled."

"Yeah right! Like any dame in her right mind would pick Brucie over Batsy!" chuckled Joker. "No offense, Bruce, but if I were a dame, it would be no contest!"

He laughed. "Kinda wish Batsy could be here with us tonight too," he sighed wistfully. "But I'm sure he's busy kicking the crap outta one of the other freaks. And anyway, he couldn't resist kicking the crap outta me if we were in the same car together. Guy can't keep his hands off me!" he chuckled.

"Neither can I, Mr. J," purred Harley, wrapping her arms around his neck again.

"I am…single at the moment," agreed Bruce.

"Must be nice," muttered Joker, as Harley tightened her embrace.

Two-Face clapped Bruce on the back. "Don't worry, Bruce, we'll find ourselves a couple dames to take home tonight. Hopefully a couple dames each!" he laughed. "It'll be just like old times! Do you remember when I got thrown outta that club for punching the bouncer in the face?"

"Yes, and I had to use my influence to get him to drop the charges, or it would have ruined your campaign for DA," retorted Bruce. "He deserved it, though – sexually harassing your date, as I recall."

"Yeah, if I hadn't punched him, you would've," agreed Two-Face, grinning.

"Aw, you two had such a cute little bromance!" said Harley, smiling at them.

"Just like me and Batsy!" chuckled Joker.

"Yeah…but everything changed after the accident," muttered Two-Face, flipping his coin thoughtfully. "I'm not sure I should have let it. I mean, I know I had a lotta mental issues to sort out, but I shouldn't have alienated my friends when I needed them the most." He shrugged. "Oh well. I've sorted them now, and we can make up for lost time tonight, can't we, Bruce?" he said, clapping him on the back again.

Bruce stared at him, wondering how crazy Two-Face actually was if he thought he had sorted his mental issues now. He was also wondering where on earth they were going, and if he should try to make some excuse and get the hell out of this incredibly awkward situation, or keep an eye on the criminals. After all, with Two-Face, Joker, and Harley under his supervision like this, Gotham was probably safer than it had been in a long time.

The limousine pulled up in front of the Iceberg Lounge, Penguin's club for Gotham's social elite. "Evening, Pengers!" said Joker cheerfully as he strode into the room with his arm around Harley, followed by Two-Face and Bruce. "How's business?"

"Joker, how many times have I told you to enter through the back door?" demanded Penguin. "I can't have reputable people seeing you and knowing that I cater to criminals. So just take your…young lady, and Two-Face and…"

He saw Bruce Wayne and his cigarette holder fell from his lips. "Mr…Wayne!" he stammered. "I didn't realize you kept such distinguished company, Joker, dear friend," he said, smiling at him.

"Oh yeah, Brucie here and I are old pals, ain't we, Bruce?" said Joker, clapping him on the back and grinning.

"Erm…no, we've just met tonight," said Bruce. "Harvey's the one who invited me…"

"Of course, Mr. Dent, I should have known," said Penguin, smiling at him. "Much as I hate to hide a celebrity such as yourself from the public view, Mr. Wayne, it would not do for one of my clientele to report that I have dealings with the criminal element," he said. "If you'll come with me."

They followed Penguin to his office, where he removed a picture of an albatross off the wall to reveal a lever. He pulled this, and the bookcase on the opposite wall swung open to reveal a set of stairs. They went down these and arrived in another part of the lounge, a private bar for the less reputable of Penguin's clients.

"Well, look who it is!" chuckled Joker, going over to the bar where Poison Ivy sat chatting with an attractive man. "Fancy seeing you here, Pammie!"

"Beat it, clown," she growled, sliding closer to the man next to her on the barstool. "I'm busy."

Joker laughed. "Oooh, she's got her pheromones on tonight – I can smell 'em!" he giggled. "You're a lucky guy, pal, getting to plant your seed in that garden," he said, smiling at her companion. "I hear she keeps it well watered!"

"Will you get lost?" hissed Ivy.

"Aw, but I got someone I want ya to meet, Pammie," chuckled Joker.

"I'm not interested – busy, like I said, all right?" snapped Ivy.

"Ok, your loss," sighed Joker. "C'mon, Bruce, let's go…"

Ivy looked up suddenly. "Bruce?" she repeated. Her eyes fixed on Bruce and her mouth fell open.

"Thought you'd change your mind," chuckled Joker. "Bruce, this is Poison Ivy. Pammie, Bruce Wayne."

"Well, hell-o," murmured Ivy, shoving the man next to her away and standing up. "You can call me Ivy," she said, holding out her hand and smiling. "Or Pammie, if you prefer."

"Yes…erm…I think we met when you were…uh…dating Harvey," murmured Bruce, looking from one to the other.

"Biggest mistake of my life," muttered Two-Face, flipping his coin angrily as he glared at her.

"And the biggest mistake of my life was letting him live after I dumped him," replied Ivy, smiling. "Dating him was a small mistake by comparison. One of the many small things in our relationship," she added, grinning.

"Just shut your mouth, you little tramp!" shouted Two-Face. "I ain't about to let Bruce make the same mistake I did, so keep your filthy weeds offa him! C'mon, Bruce," he muttered, leading him toward a table. "J, buy us a couple rounds, will ya?"

"You take my advice and stay away from her, Bruce," muttered Two-Face, lighting a cigar as they sat down. "She's a heartless, evil, little bitch who plays with guys' hearts and dumps 'em because she thinks it's fun."

"Aw, c'mon, Harvey, you don't hate each other that much really," said Harley, coming over to join them. "Why, only a couple weeks ago I heard you guys together in the janitor's closet, and you were saying she was the hottest little piece of ass you'd ever…"

"Just shut up, Harley!" shouted Two-Face. "That was a mistake, all right?"

"Oh, sorry, Harvey," said Harley, sincerely. She looked confused. "Was it a mistake the time a couple weeks before that too…"

"Go help your boyfriend with the drinks!" interrupted Two-Face furiously as he threw the ashtray at her.

Harley hurried off to the bar. Bruce stared at Two-Face. "So you and she are…"

"No," interrupted Two-Face, smoking angrily. "No, it's over, and I mean it this time. The little bitch ain't ever gonna tempt me again."

"Why would I want you, Harvey, when your friend is richer, handsomer, and probably better endowed, from what I've heard?" asked Ivy, suddenly pulling up a chair next to Bruce. She smiled. "He's just jealous because he knows I was way outta his league. But I think you and me, Brucie, are batting at the same level."

"What's all this about Bats?" chuckled Joker, as he and Harley came over with drinks for everyone.

"I was talking about me being outta Harvey's league, J, but in Bruce's," retorted Ivy, dryly. "Though I know you always have Bats on the brain."

"Guilty as charged," chuckled Joker. "Here's to him!" he said, raising his glass. "Real shame he couldn't be here tonight. What poor sap do ya think he's dragging back to Arkham as we speak?"

"I don't think he is out tonight," retorted Ivy. "I think he's spending a quiet night in with his little boyfriend. Him and Robin probably deserve a little private time, after all."

"I hope he's taking a night off anyway," growled Two-Face. "Wouldn't kill the guy to relax every so often. Mind you, he's probably got a stick so far up his ass that he'd choke on it if he ever sat down. You heard about this Batman guy, Bruce?"

"Uh…yeah…" stammered Bruce. It was an incredibly uncomfortable situation for him.

"Of course he's heard of Bats, Harvey!" chuckled Joker. "He's all over the papers and the TV! Probably as much of a celebrity as you are, eh, Brucie? I don't imagine you like the competition!" he laughed.

"He's a self-righteous, interfering busybody who deserves to be shot in the face," growled Two-Face. "Where does he get the authority to beat the crap outta people the way he does? Who made him the Lord God Almighty to regulate justice in this town? The reason we got police and courts is because we know that no one man knows what's right for everyone. If Bats ran the world, he'd probably appoint himself dictator-for-life, and then go about getting rid of anyone who didn't agree with his self-appointed brand of justice."

"Hey, he's a good joke, Harvey, you gotta give him that," said Joker. "Always so brooding and serious, thinking he's so different from the rest of us, so morally superior. It makes me laugh just thinking about it!" he chuckled.

"He's not funny," snapped Ivy. "He does real harm, and he just can't see it, because he's a fanatic."

"Gotta love him, though," replied Joker. "What would any of us do without him? I know I'd be real bored without old Batsy to put a smile on my face."

"What do you think of Batman, Bruce?" asked Harley. Everyone turned to look at him.

"Uh…I think he…uh…" stammered Bruce. He honestly had no idea how to respond to this. If he praised Batman, he might anger them. But if he insulted him, he wasn't sure the same thing wouldn't happen, at least from Joker.

"Excuse me," he said suddenly, standing up and heading for the bathroom. He leaned over one of the sinks, staring at the mirror. He needed to think of an excuse, and fast. This situation was more awkward and uncomfortable than he ever could have imagined. None of those people out there were stupid – if he suddenly slipped up even a little, they might discover his secret. He couldn't let that happen.

"Bruce? You ok?" asked Two-Face, entering the bathroom.

"Yeah…feeling a little sick, actually, Harvey," said Bruce.

"After one drink?" said Two-Face, grinning. "You have turned into a lightweight without me."

Bruce couldn't help smiling back. "Look, the guys are getting kinda bored, so we're thinking we'll move on," he said. "Don't wanna trash a nice place like this anyway, and the night's young. We need to go someplace less reputable to have some real fun. You coming?"

Bruce looked at him. He could only imagine what Two-Face meant by "real fun" – probably something that involved hurting people. That was certainly real fun to the Joker. If he left them and people got hurt later, he would never forgive himself. Bruce realized with a sinking heart that he was going to be forced to stay until the end of the night. He didn't have a choice. He might as well make the best of it.

He forced a smile and clapped Two-Face on the back. "Wouldn't miss it for the world, Harvey."


	3. Chapter 3

"Bruce and I used to come here all the time in the good old days," said Two-Face, smiling at Bruce as they went up the steps to the Half-Moon Club. "Most fun we ever had, eh, Bruce?"

"Let's hope it hasn't changed," agreed Bruce as he, Two-Face, Joker, Harley, and Ivy entered the double doors of the club.

"Looks the same!" shouted Two-Face over the noise.

"And sounds the same!" agreed Bruce with a smile.

"Was it always a gay bar?" asked Joker.

"What the hell are you talking about?" growled Two-Face, rounding on him furiously. "Why would Bruce and I go to a gay bar?!"

"I dunno, but that's clearly what this place is!" shouted Joker.

Two-Face turned back to see that everyone in it appeared to be men. He and Bruce shared a look and then headed out the doors as everyone followed them.

"Used to go there all the time, huh, Harvey?" giggled Joker. "Something you wanna share?"

"Shut up, clown," growled Two-Face.

"I can see why things didn't work out between you and Harvey, Pammie – guess you were missing some of the parts he likes," chuckled Joker.

"I said shut up, clown," growled Two-Face.

"Or maybe you swing both ways, Harvey, and you just flip a coin to decide which gender turns you on tonight…"

"I said shut up!" shouted Two-Face, punching Joker in the face. Harley immediately leapt to his defense, punching Two-Face back. The fight would have escalated if Bruce hadn't stepped in between them.

"I don't wanna have to deal with any fighting tonight, all right?" he demanded. "I'm…uh…not comfortable with casual violence. Let's just all calm down."

"Oh, Bruce, I do love a forceful man," sighed Ivy, gazing at him adoringly.

"Wouldn't get your hopes up if I were you, Pammie," chuckled Joker.

Bruce glared at him and then strode off. "Let's try over here," he said, nodding down the road at another club. "The Red Queen," he read.

"Oh, c'mon, Bruce, with a name like that, it's obviously another gay bar!" snapped Joker.

A group of incredibly attractive, scantily-clad woman suddenly left the club, talking and laughing. "Ok, maybe not," said Joker, gazing after them. Harley turned his face back to her angrily.

"Let's go," said Bruce, entering the club with the others following.

Loud music was playing with a pounding beat as strobe lights illuminated the dance floor. Surrounding the floor were circular booths raised on a level above, so that people sitting enjoying their drinks could watch the people dancing below. People of both genders, much to Bruce's relief. He couldn't very well preserve his reputation as a playboy billionaire if he was seen in a gay bar. And if people ever found out he was Batman, it would definitely confirm their worst suspicions if he was seen at one with the Joker.

They headed for one of the booths. "Aw, crap, guys, looks like it is another gay bar after all!" sighed Joker. "Look, there's the most pathetic couple in Gotham!"

They looked where he was pointing to see Jonathan Crane and Jervis Tetch staring at them in astonishment. "What are you two doing here of all places?" asked Two-Face as the group came over to them.

"What?" shouted Tetch over the noise.

"I said what are you two doing here?" yelled Two-Face.

"We thought we'd go somewhere for a quiet drink after the theatre!" shouted Crane. "Wishful thinking! Jervis thought the name looked promising, but we were just about to leave as they don't serve tea!"

"Jesus Christ, you're a pair of lamewads!" laughed Joker.

"What did he call us?" shouted Tetch.

"I have absolutely no idea!" shouted back Crane. "But I can't imagine anything complimentary!"

Tetch suddenly noticed Bruce and his eyes widened. "Mr…Mr…Wayne!" he exclaimed. "How do you do?" he said, tipping his hat. "Well, must be going, don't want to be late for our very important date! Come along, Jonathan!"

Tetch rushed from the club with Crane following him. "Ex-employee," explained Bruce. "Had to fire him after he tried to kidnap his secretary. Awkward."

They sat down and Two-Face left them to get drinks. An instant later Harley leapt to her feet as the song switched. She squealed happily and clapped her hands. "Aw, I love this song! Wanna dance, Mr. J?"

"Nope," he said, leaning back and lighting a cigar.

"Aw, c'mon, puddin', it'll be fun," she said.

"Don't presume to tell me what's fun, you useless brat!" he shouted. "You go if you wanna, but I ain't moving!"

Harley shrugged and rushed down to the dance floor.

"Better keep an eye on her, J," said Ivy. "Attractive gal all alone in a place like this – some guy might try to pick her up."

"Good luck to 'em," he retorted, puffing on his cigar. "This is the first time I've got to breathe all night."

His eyes suddenly narrowed as he watched Harley. "What the hell is she doing?" he demanded.

"Dancing," retorted Ivy.

"That ain't dancing!" shouted Joker. "Dancing's got more grace and style! That's just…jiggling!"

"That's modern dancing, J!" shouted Ivy. "Get with the times, grandpa!"

"I don't like it!" he snapped. "It's provocative! Guys are gonna get the wrong impression…there, y'see?" he shouted, standing up suddenly as a man started dancing near Harley. "Right, I'm stopping this now," he growled, slamming down the cigar and rushing over to her. He grabbed Harley's wrist and tried to drag her off the dance floor, but she fought against him.

"But I wanna dance, Mr. J!" she cried.

"You ain't dancing like that anymore, you dumb floozy!" he shouted. "You think I want guys to think my dame is a loose woman?"

"Well, why don't you dance with me then, so they know I'm attached?" she demanded.

"Because I don't wanna!"

"Well, I wanna dance!"

"You do what I tell you, you little brat!"

She slapped him hard, and he punched her in return, knocking her back against the DJ's desk. The music suddenly stopped as all eyes fixed on Harley, who struggled slowly to her feet. "All right, Mr. J," she hissed. "You asked for it!"

She ran and jumped at him. He caught her in his arms, and she shoved her mouth into his, kissing him furiously. "Brucie, we'll be in the limo!" gasped Joker, racing out of the club with Harley in his arms.

Everyone gazed after them in puzzlement, and then the music started again. "Guess it's just us, since Harvey's taking his time at the bar," said Ivy, smiling at Bruce. Another song came on, _Bad Boys_, and Ivy grinned at Bruce. "Are you bad boy, Brucie?" she asked, sliding a hand up his arm.

"Um…well…I…"

"I think you are," she whispered. "A girl can always tell. And I can tell you got a dark secret to hide. Everyone does, you know. Tell me what yours is, Bruce," she murmured, leaning forward.

"Miss…um…Ivy…I don't think…" began Bruce, but Ivy cut him off with a kiss. She drew away slowly, puzzled.

"I haven't…kissed you before, have I?" she asked.

"Not that…I remember," stammered Bruce.

"You just…taste familiar, that's all," she murmured, looking at him strangely. "I'm almost positive I recognize…"

"I told you to keep your weeds off Bruce!" said Two-Face, slamming the drinks down in front of them suddenly.

"Jealous, Harvey?" demanded Ivy.

"Why would I be jealous of a cheap little tramp like you?" he demanded. "Why doncha go pick up some other guy and leave us alone? You ain't getting him to yourself anymore tonight!"

Ivy smiled and stood up slowly. "I'll see you soon, Bruce. Harvey."

She strolled onto the dance floor just as Joker re-entered the club, clothing and hair disheveled. "Sorry to rush out, boys, but there's nothing like a little punch up to put us both in the mood!" chuckled Joker.

"Where's Harley?" asked Two-Face.

"Um…she's gonna stay in the limo for a while…said she was too sore to move," he said, grinning. "What can I say? I'm a big guy and I like it rough!"

Bruce shuddered, reaching for his drink. There were some things he just never wanted to know about the Joker, and that was one of them.

Joker sat back down and they all three drank in silence for a while. "So is this kinda your nightly routine, Brucie?" he asked, smiling at him. "Drinking, dancing, going from club to club? Sounds kinda boring to me."

"Erm…no. My nightly routine is…slightly different," said Bruce.

"I kinda pity you, really," continued Joker. "I mean, you inherited money, and you live a charmed life, the life of a king. Got wealth, popularity, all the dames at your fingertips. Got everything you could possibly want. So where's the challenge? What's the point of your life, Brucie, if you ain't got no challenge? Doesn't it depress you, this never-ending series of pleasure, one after the other? Don't you crave a little pain and suffering?"

"I'm not a masochist, so no," retorted Bruce.

"You know what I mean," said Joker. "Even pleasure can get boring after a while if you ain't got anything to break up the monotony. If you're having fun all the time, what do you do for fun?"

"What do I do for fun?" repeated Bruce. "Well, I…"

"J, don't criticize Bruce," snapped Two-Face. "He's a great guy. I know what you think of society people, and hell, people in general, really, but Bruce isn't like them. He's not shallow and self-absorbed. He tries to do the right thing by everyone. And he's a good friend. One of the best I've ever had. Never met a more loyal man than you, Bruce. You never give up on me."

"That's real touching, Harv," said Joker, nodding as he drank. "So Brucie's purpose is to be nice, is it?"

"I think my purpose, along with every decent person's, is to do good where I can, and try not to do any harm," replied Bruce.

"Where's the fun in that?" chuckled Joker. "All the best things in life are harmful. Alcohol, cigars, dames, candy, and in my case, pain, mutilation, explosions, death of a long and lingering nature. But yeah, all harmful. It's not about not doing harm, Brucie, it's about being able to take harm, and give as good as you get."

He held up his glass. "Take this scotch, for instance. I could not drink it and not risk a hangover, plus long-term liver damage, but that wouldn't be very fun. In order to have fun, I gotta drink it, so I gotta risk the harm. That's why it's fun, because it's potentially harmful. And if you can spread that harm to others, that's even better. If, say, it wasn't just me damaging my liver and risking a hangover, but spreading that onto you as well…that'd be even more fun, wouldn't it? Drinking with other people is always more fun than drinking alone. And if you wanna make it real fun, you make it a competition! I can drink more than you, I can do more harm than you can! It's a fun game because it's gonna hurt in the morning! And that's all you can ask for outta life, really – to enjoy yourself and to wake up with the memory of how much you enjoyed yourself later. Although perhaps not all of your memories, depending on how much you drink," he chuckled.

Bruce sipped his drink calmly but said nothing.

"Did you just challenge us to a drinking contest?" Two-Face asked suddenly.

Joker grinned, downing his glass. "Think you're man enough to take me, Harv?"

Two-Face looked at Bruce, grinning. "What do you think, Bruce?"

Bruce smiled. If Joker and Two-Face were under the table, they definitely couldn't cause any trouble. "You won't win, Joker," he murmured.

Joker looked at him for a moment strangely, and then chuckled, reaching for another glass. "I'll wipe the floor with you, Rich Boy."

"Bring it on," said Two-Face.

Bruce smiled to himself as he reached for his glass. It looked like he was going to beat Joker tonight after all.


	4. Chapter 4

Bruce had to admit, he cheated in the drinking contest. But he couldn't risk losing control of his words and actions around Two-Face and Joker. Those two had really put their whole heart and soul into it, but then they were men who liked to win their challenges, thought Bruce as he sat in the back of the limo much later. Two-Face had passed out and was leaning against the door – Poison Ivy had fallen asleep against the other door. The Joker sat across from Bruce, still conscious but incredibly drunk, with his arm around Harley, who had fallen asleep curled up against his chest.

"You know what, Bruce?" muttered Joker. "For a Rich Boy, you're all right."

"Thank you," said Bruce, nodding at him.

"Surprised you're still conscious, actually," said Joker. "There ain't many guys who can drink that much and not pass out. Clearly Harvey was the lightweight outta the two of you," he muttered, glaring contemptuously at him.

Bruce shrugged. "Maybe he's outta practice. This is my life, after all. Night after night of drinking, dancing, and partying. A never-ending series of fun."

Joker laughed. "Y'know, we're more alike than you think, you and I," he said, grinning at him. "Both guys who just wanna spend our nights having a little fun. Except you ain't got some flying rodent getting in the way of yours."

He started coughing, and Bruce was afraid he was going to vomit, but he held it together, leaning back again. "Just thinking about him makes me wanna puke," he chuckled. "Nah, I'm kidding, I love the guy, really," he muttered, waving his hand. "Y'see, that's the difference between you and me, Brucie. You ain't got no purpose. I got a purpose. I got Bats."

"Batman is…your purpose?" asked Bruce, slowly.

"Sure," said Joker, shrugging. "Doncha get it? It's a great gag, Brucie!" he chuckled. "I live my life trying to kill another guy. But see, I love this guy. He's my nemesis, but I love him. I dunno what I'd do without him. He makes the nights fun, he gives me a challenge, and he's got a really cool cape. _Swoosh_!" he said, throwing up his arm. "That's the noise it makes. It's just kinda cool."

He gazed into the middle distance for a moment, and Bruce wondered if he was going to pass out - he certainly looked a little out of it, but then that wasn't that unusual for the Joker. "But see, I gotta kill him, Brucie," murmured Joker. "I gotta kill Batsy. That's my purpose. That's what I try to do night after night. But then if I do kill him, if I succeed, if I accomplish what I'm meant to accomplish, then I ain't got no purpose no more. Then my life is just one big empty stretch of nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Kinda funny when you think about it, isn't it? Don't it make you wanna laugh?"

He did laugh. Harley murmured in her sleep and cuddled up closer to him. "That's the gag, Brucie," he murmured. "That's the bitter jest of fate. The day I win is gonna be the worst day of my life. Ain't that a good joke?"

"Well, I guess it's a good thing you'll never win, Joker," murmured Bruce.

Joker stared at him. "We ain't…ever hung out like this before, have we, Brucie?" he murmured.

"No," replied Bruce.

"Cause there's just something really familiar about you," he murmured, shutting his eyes and furrowing his brow. "I can't put my finger on it, but just now and…earlier tonight, you…reminded me of somebody. But I just can't think who. Somebody…else…"

He trailed off and opened his eyes again, and then suddenly smiled. "Got it," he murmured. "You remind me of Bats, Brucie!"

"Oh…yeah?" stammered Bruce, his heart suddenly chilling in fear.

"Yeah," laughed Joker. "There's something distinctly Bat-like about you. I dunno how to describe it exactly, but…I'll tell him when I next see him. Bruce Wayne reminds me a little of you, Batsy," he chuckled.

He leaned back, shutting his eyes again. "Shame he couldn't be here tonight," he murmured. "Would've been fun, sharing a drink with my nemesis. Guess you're the closest I got, though. I ain't complaining. You're all right, Brucie, for a Rich Boy. You're all…right…"

He dropped off to sleep. Bruce stared at him for a moment and then shut his own eyes. "And miraculously, in certain rare moments, so are you, Joker," he murmured.


	5. Chapter 5

"Guess it's been a good night if you get home at dawn," muttered Two-Face, clutching his head. "Although my headache tells me it ain't gonna be a pleasant morning."

At about 5 A.M., Bruce had woken everyone up and had the limousine driver drop them off at their respective hideouts. It wasn't just the protective urge within him – it would also be useful to know where their hideouts were that evening, when Batman would find them and drag them back to Arkham. He would also raid the Iceberg Lounge and its illegal back room. All in all, the night had been most profitable for Batman. And, he had to admit it, a lotta fun for Bruce Wayne.

Two-Face had insisted on seeing Bruce home, and he climbed out of the car just as dawn was breaking over Wayne Manor. Two-Face looked at it, and then at him, and smiled. "Well, it was good reliving the old times with ya, Bruce. Even if the Half-Moon Club has changed."

"Yeah. I wish…we could do it more often, Harvey," murmured Bruce. "But I wouldn't want you to get caught by Batman or something…"

Two-Face waved his hand. "What's he gonna do? Send me back to Arkham? Let him. Can't live my life in fear of the Bat, Brucie. Can't let some flying rodent control everything all the time, can I?"

"No," agreed Bruce. "I guess not."

He headed for the door and then turned back. "Harvey, surely you could try to…cure yourself?"

Two-Face clutched his head again. "Christ, Bruce, it's 6 A.M. and I got a goddamn hangover! It's neither the time nor the place to talk about this!"

He reached inside his jacket and threw a card at him. "Call me later, when the headache's gone!" he growled. "It'd be…good to talk," he murmured. "And maybe…we can do this again sometime?"

Bruce smiled at him. "I really hope so, Harvey."

He nodded and grinned. "See ya soon, buddy."

Bruce watched the car disappear into the distance. "Sooner than you think, Harvey," he sighed. He entered Wayne Manor, hoping that Two-Face's hangover was gone by that evening. Batman would feel guilty arresting him if not.

"Late night last night, sir?" asked Alfred. He stared at Bruce's suit in surprise. "Not your usual evening attire."

"No. It wasn't a usual evening," murmured Bruce. "Although I kinda wish it was."

"Shall I draw you a bath, sir?" asked Alfred.

"Please, Alfred. And can you bring me some water? I need to make sure I don't have a hangover tonight. I didn't drink that much, but better safe than sorry."

Alfred stared at him. "What have you been doing, sir?"

Bruce smiled. "I had a battle with Joker and Two-Face," he said. "And I won. Scared off the Mad Hatter and the Scarecrow, got rid of Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn, surprised the Penguin, and all in one evening. It was a good night," he said, heading for his room. He smiled. "All in all, a very good night."

**The End**


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